Ways Jason Whitlock Probably Reacted After Learning GQ Named Colin Kaepernick Citizen of the Year, Ranked

10. Took a really long shower. Not a Silkwood shower where he furiously scrubbed his skin, but one of those 40-minute-long soapless showers where you just lean up against a wall letting the water hit your back while you ponder the inescapable vastness of the void.

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9. Called Jeff George just to invite him over to watch a Shark Tank marathon.

8. Was so distracted by and distraught about the news that he accidentally brushed his teeth with Jack Black Beard Lube.

7. Started tweeting some contrived analogy comparing Colin Kaepernick to season 2 of The Wire—specifically, the subplot with Ziggy Sobotka and his duck—but needed 282 characters for it to work, got frustrated and threw his Chromebook into an empty sink.

6. Ate some banana chips.

5. Sent the Wall Street Journal an email with an all-caps URGENT subject in which he pitched a piece on naming Roger Goodell citizen of the year as a really clever way to steal Kaepernick’s thunder. (His editor hasn’t yet replied because he’s trying to figure out how to say “It’s over, Jason” without hurting his feelings.)

4a. Became overcome with an irresistible urge to find a chalkboard somewhere and just write “L” over and over again.

4b. Ate some more banana chips. Which, as I know from experience, is what tends to happen if they’re the only available snack in the house and you want something to snack on. And they’re the only available snack in the house because the type of people who willingly buy banana chips aren’t also going to have Oreos and shit sitting around. (For the record, banana chips taste like giant pieces of week-old Wite-Out dipped into banana juice. Fuck banana chips, b.)

3. Sat in his car and listened to a Tech N9ne Spotify playlist that solely consists of Tech N9ne tracks and the Rolling Stones’ “Gimme Shelter.”

2. Got a tattoo on his rib cage of a sea hawk kicking a field goal over Colin Kaepernick’s Afro. And not a Seattle Seahawk but an actual sea hawk.

1. Sent Kaepernick a direct message to score an invite to GQ’s Citizen of the Year party.