Donald Trump
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Trump Is the Boyfriend Who Can’t Stop Talking About His Old Girlfriend
President Donald Trump hasn’t accepted that his relationship with Celebrity Apprentice is over. He can’t accept that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the new boss with a new catchphrase. He also can’t deal with the fact that his old flame has moved on without him even though his new bae, the presidency of the United States of…
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Trump Administration Modifies Sanctions With Our Play Cousin Russia
The Trump administration has loosened sanctions on America’s new play cousin on our fascist father’s side. That’s right—the Treasury Department announced Thursday a modification of sanctions put in place by the Obama administration after intelligence agencies determined that it was involved in cyberattacks to meddle with the U.S. elections in November, CNBC reports. And now…
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President Pee-Pee’s Supreme Court Pick Started a Fascism Club in High School
So it turns out that back when Judge Neil Gorsuch—you know, President Pee-Pee’s nominee for the Supreme Court—was just a high school student, he founded the Fascism Forever Club. First off, what a dork. Second, really?! The 49-year-old nerd started the club as a freshman at the über-expensive elite Georgetown Preparatory School near Washington, D.C.,…
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Donald Trump Hates Muslims (Old Kanye Voice)
Let’s recap: First Donald Trump’s administration issues a Muslim ban, which they don’t want called a ban, but the president and his lackey Sean “Spicy Facts” Spicer have both called it a ban. The ban stops people from seven predominantly Muslim countries from coming to the U.S. Now comes the news that the Department of…
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Sean Spicer Looks Like Howard the Duck in Human Form, Is Scared of Children and Is a Terrible Press Secretary
Sean Spicer often looks guilty of something. He looks like the person who went into the work refrigerator, saw the juice with your name on it and drank it anyway—and put it back with not the slightest ounce of shame. Spicer also seems like the driver you end up cursing out on the freeway because…
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A Prayer, Because I’m Just [Censored] Tired
Dear 175-pound, carpenter god-God, Afro-pick-utilizing, banned-from-the-USA Jesus, I’m tired. My feet are weary even though you’ve allegedly been carrying me whenever I go to the beach. Though, I’m saying, they don’t look like Birkenstocks in the sand, is all I’m saying. Royal heathen Kevin Gates is not tired despite having six jobs, but I’ll bet…
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2 GOP Senators Say They’ll Vote Against DeVos’ Confirmation as Education Secretary
As the ongoing saga of President Donald Trump’s Cabinet confirmations continues, two GOP senators have come forward and said they will vote against Betsy DeVos for education secretary, giving Senate Democrats two of the at least three votes they will need to block her appointment. Sens. Susan Collins (R-Maine) and Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) made their…
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Evil Voltron Is Almost Complete as Senate Panel Confirms Jeff Sessions
The movement to form evil Voltron is almost complete as Sen. Jeff Sessions’ (R -Ala.) nomination to become U.S. attorney general was approved by the Senate Judiciary Committee along party lines, 11-9. According to NBC News, the panel put up a good fight, but in the end evil prevailed, as it tends to do with…
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Trump on Black History Month: Where Frederick Douglass At? I See You, Baby!
President Donald Trump was surrounded by all his blacks on Wednesday. That’s right; Omarosa Manigault and Ben Carson were there to hear Trump shout out Frederick Douglass like he was a new artist coming out on Trump Records, during what I believe was supposed to constitute some form of Black History Month appreciation. “Frederick Douglass…