When you have a lot of money, you no longer have to buy your hair in bundles from an Instagram model who’s hawking two-for-one deals on Brazilian Wavy.
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I imagine that Beyoncé has a group of Peruvian schoolchildren whose sole purpose is to grow their hair to their ankles so that it can be lobbed off and placed in a silk pillowcase and shipped to the special cloud where Beyoncé lives so that her hairdresser can sew it together using the thread made from angels’ wings and then carefully fit it onto the singer’s well-oiled scalp.
I also imagine that Donald Trump has his man weave crafted from the matted hairs of a Norwegian baby goat’s underbelly, which, once cut, are sloshed together with backwash from Hungarian line cooks and then shipped to the White House inside a calf’s swollen intestines to be sewn to his dry, dusty scalp.
Whoever’s job it is to keep that frosted baby-goat hair not only attached to his head but crafted in such a way as to hide his horns needs a raise, because last week, Trump was boarding Air Force One, and the wind from the plane almost whipped that shit right off.
As New York magazine notes, Trump normally wears a dumbass “Make America Great Again” hat for these types of moments, but on this glorious day, Trump not only was without his hat but almost lost his white-man lace front. Watch below and note how at one point the wind gust really picks up, and you can see that Trump is bald.
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