After Throwing His Wife, His Dad, His State, His Country, His Name, and His Nuts Under the Bus, Ted Cruz Throws His Daughters There, Too

Has there ever been a man, real or fictional, as pathetic as Ted Cruz? That was not a rhetorical question. I’m genuinely curious. Of course, there have been worse people. Hitler. King Leopold II of Belgium. Rush Limbaugh. Grayson Allen. But pathetic exists in a different stratosphere; a singular entity at the intersection of loathe and pity. To be crude, pathetic is a sex appeal event horizon. There are Christmas trees less thoroughly unfuckable as Ted Cruz is.

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Part of the uniqueness of patheticness is that it’s bottomless. There’s always something even more demeaning to be done, always something that can be performed with even less grace, always sometime that’ll shame even more ancestors. And when thinking about Ted Cruz, the only other thing that approaches his abject pathetic is Wile E Coyote—who, like Cruz, was put on Earth to collect failures the way a staircase collects dust.

To wit, please read this statement from him, which is supposed to be a defense of his recent Underground Republican Railroad getaway to Cancun while dozens of his constituents were freezing to death.

This has been an infuriating week for Texans. The greatest state in the greatest country in the world has been without power. We have food lines, gas lines, and people sleeping at the neighbors’ houses. Our homes are freezing and our lights are out. Like millions of Texans, our family lost heat and power too.

With school cancelled for the week, our girls asked to take a trip with friends. Wanting to be a good dad, I flew down with them last night and am flying back this afternoon. My staff and I are in constant communication with state and local leaders to get to the bottom of what happened in Texas. We want our power back, our water on, and our homes warm. My team and I will continue using all our resources to keep Texans informed and safe.

That he’s full of horse shit is to be expected. He’s a Texas Republican. Horse shit is his marrow. But instead of releasing a run-of-the-mill politician’s lie, he kicks his own daughters under the same bus his wife and his dad and his name and his nuts are already trapped under. It’s crowded under the Cruz Nuts Bus!