A List of Black People I'm (Mostly) Certain Are Not White Women From Kansas

1. Tyronn Lue

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Stefon Diggs and Cardi B Viral Boat Video Prompts Response from Patriots Coach

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Stefon Diggs and Cardi B Viral Boat Video Prompts Response from Patriots Coach

2. My aunt Jean

3. The nigga who played “Poot” from The Wire

4. The cute widdle Black baby model on the box of Pampers I bought yesterday

5. Boston University professor Saida Grundy

6. Panama Jackson

7. “Shatasha” from Bone Thugs n’ Harmony

8. Summer Lee

9. That young boy at LA Fitness last year who hurt my feelings when he said he hopes he’s as active as I am when he’s “my age”

10. My next-door neighbors

11. Whoever cuts Jalen Rose’s hair

12. Every girl I had a crush on in 11th grade

13. 90 percent of Americans whose last name is Washington (seriously)

14. Whoever drew that picture of the Rondo-handed Jesus in Ben Carson’s house

15. Samantha Irby

16. Literally everyone who’s ever said “Nah, fam. You good.” and meant it as a threat

17. Me

18. Tyler Perry’s wig grip

19. James and Brandon (just cause everyone knows a few niggas named “James” and “Brandon”)

20. C.J. McCollum

21. Anyone who attempted to sell you Pre-Paid Legal between 2000 and 2005

22. The closest friends of any white boy called “White Tim”

23. Renée Elise Goldsberry

24. Lena Horne

25. Spike Lee

26. Rich Paul

27. Waka Flocka Flame

28. Danielle Belton

29. Who Rachel Dolezal sees when she looks in the mirror

30. All the niggas who said that one woman who pretended to be a nigga ain’t a nigga but got told by other niggas that she was a nigga.