If you cannot afford to give money, your presence is all that counts. And if you can’t afford to give money, but you do crochet and shit, crochet some shit for them. Crochet your happy, crocheting ass off.
Suggested Reading
But if you do have money, give money. Because weddings are damn expensive. And unless they’re in that 1 percent of salmon-colored-pants-wearing motherfuckers whose family owns the rights to the color orange and is paying for the entire thing, they will need money. And no amount of money is too small; $20 can be a year’s worth of pepper for the salads they’re eating every day after the wedding because they can’t afford steak anymore.
Again, if you don’t have $20, crochet some shit. If you do, show them the fucking money.
What’s the point of buying them a $180 plate set if they’re going to be eating cat food on it until September?
Seriously. Rome wasn’t built in a day. And I know that idiom doesn’t quite fit here, but the point is that they know people have lives outside of their lives, and if you can’t go cross-country just to watch a bunch of your boy’s Facebook friends eat dry steak and moist cake for four hours, they understand.
It’s nothing personal. Really, it’s not. It’s just that every extra RSVP is extra money they have to spend. So while they’d love for you to be there, they’ll also appreciate your nonpresence. Unless you’re, like, family and shit (well, some family).
Because if there’s any other reason your bitch ass RSVPed and didn’t come, you’re going to have to fight the bride. And by “fight” I mean “get stabbed by.”
You might be able to finesse anyone from a fuck buddy to the actual driver of the Megabus you rode to get there. But if you live a block away and you’re not sure if your person qualifies as serious enough to bring, ask yourself how sad you’d be if they died. If you’re still not sure, ask yourself how sad they’d be if you died.
Your answer is your answer.
If you’re at a wedding, you’re officially too old not to know how much to drink. If you pass out on the dance floor or in some hilariously random place like behind a vintage pinball machine, do not be surprised if you’re left there until the next morning. Everyone has on their good clothes, and just because you got messy doesn’t mean they have to, too.
That’s really the only reason they invited you. They want all their closest friends and family to share in the love and have as much fun as they’re having.
But still, do show them the money.
Straight From 
Sign up for our free daily newsletter.